Expressing Negative Emotions

Oleh : Ariyanto Yanwar, M.Psi., Psikolog

One day, I encountered a video on a certain social media. The video showed a little boy, probably about 4 or 5, and the boy was crying. The caption was the boy had just made a mistake and the mother was in the middle of disciplining him (which she recorded and posted on social media. This is not a recommended action for positive parents). But I was stuck on a certain moment where after a few seconds into the video, the mother started yelling to the child, saying, “No crying! You must smile!”. Just a few seconds after the instruction, the boy started showing his teeth, grinning to the camera. His eyes were still red and his tears were still dropping but it was clear that the boy tried following the instruction and forced himself to smile. But it lasted for just a second and the boy started sobbing again, this time even louder. In response to the boy’s sobbing, the mother once again said, with louder voice than the last time, “NO CRYING!! SMILE!!” and just like the first time, the boy forced himself to smile, showing what little teeth he had. Still sobbing, the boy even tried to pull on his cheeks so that his lips would curve into a smile and rubbed his eyes to wipe away the tears.

I remember thinking to myself, “what the heck is this woman doing to her son?”

Many parents discipline children by making them think that negative emotions are wrong and should not be shown. Some even consider it a dangerous thing. Somehow, they are convinced if a child felt too much negative emotions, they would grow up miserable. Of course, this is done with good intention to make children grow up filled with positivity but this has the potential to be very destructive.

This is of course, a misperception. Papalia, Olds, & Feldman (2009) mentions that during childhood, or even the whole proccess of develoment, a certain amount of stress is crucial, even beneficial. Stress is of course can be a very unpleasant thing, but nobody lives without stress. Even a needle prick on a finger is considered a stress to some. A child may cry from a paper cut, but that is perfectly normal. A child will cry, scream, or even burst into anger when confronted with something unpleasant, whether internally or externally is just how a child is. Some parents, like the one in this story, decide to make sure their children are not allowed to show negative emotion. For whatever reasons, children are forced to always be okay/happy.

Many parents teach their children that getting angry is wrong, even when they have a very good reason to be angry. Even when other children or even their siblings did something awful, getting angry would mean the child is unable to control his/her emotions. Many parents lash out and blame their children when they show a bit of negative emotions. They percept it as a sign of weakness or emotional incompetence on their children’s part and demand that the children hide those feelings and more, hide their expressions.

Negative emotions are not ultimately “bad”. Emotions are part of life and they are all acceptable in their own circumstances. Denying negative feelings will not bring more positive feelings. When children are told that their negative emotions are “bad”, they learn to feel guilty everytime they feel negative emotions. Moreover, if parents also label them according to their negative emotions (crybaby, rude, etc.), they learn that negative emotions are always wrong and they should not have it. This is unrealistic since every normal human beings have emotions and even though we call them “negative”, doesn’t mean that being angry or sad is wrong. When bad things happen, it is totally acceptable for a person, young or old, to be angry. When people are hurt, they are allowed to feel sad and cry. Denying emotions means forcing yourself and other people to hide their feelings inside, where it would accumulate and result in emotional bursts in the future.

So what should parents do when children cry? Don’t look at the “crying” part, but look at the fact that something happens that the child feels like it’s worth crying about. Children will feel safe to express their emotions once parents learn that emotions are part of life and they are not to blame for feeling that way. Although children will have to learn to express emotions, they will also need to learn to control them as they grow up. Negative emotions should not be avoided, but faced and one does it, not by snuffing out the emotions but to deal with the cause. Expressing emotions help release tension but parents can help children find the cause and prepare them mentally to anticipate future problems. Talking with children about what upsets them might even prove to be extremely useful to bond with them emotionally and help build resistance towards emotional problems in the future. Of course, children will always find things that make them sad or angry even when they are all grown up, but knowing that they are allowed to have the appropriate emotional responses and knowing that they have power in controlling them will provide them with emotional warmth and the feeling of support, which will be a great asset for children in learning to control their own emotions.

So the next time parents see children going through negative emotions, don’t be too quick to snuff those emotions or to force a child to express another “more pleasant-to-look-at” emotions. Crying and being angry are children’s way to express their emotions and parents should not try to deny it, but help them express it better